Bob on a Blob

When I was about 13, Sexy Twin, myself and a good friend of ours had this brilliant idea! We decided we'd make, and bury, a time capsule (see, brilliant!).

I can't recall why we had this little stroke of genius, but I recall vividly the teenage excitement that comes from an idea you are convinced is the best in the World! There was squealing, giggling and lots of "Right, let's do this".

We set about collecting the items we would bury as our hidden treasure. We included Hubba Bubba bubble gum (ahh, such childhood memories), Tazo's (you know, the ones that came inside chip packets), a 50c stamp, a bus ticket (wow, we were creative), a photo of the three of us, a nice wordy letter to the lucky (indeed) finders of our capsule, and a lock of each of our hair.

Sexy Twin and friend plucked one tiny little tendril of hair, tied a delicate ribbon around it and placed it in our capsule (which was a Twinning tea tin by the way). I on the other hand, always trying to get a laugh, even at my own expense, lopped off half my ponytail (it was actually an accident). As I stood in front of the mirror holding a large chunk of my hair, I began to wonder what my long hair would look like short? Well, anyone who knows me will tell you, I am the horse that can be led to water AND made to drink. I'll take up a dare faster than you can issue a physical challenge, and if I think laughter is involved, I'll dare myself. So, when Sexy Twin and friend suggested we cut my hair off, I giggled and said "Heck, let's do it".

Half an hour later my so called sister and friend were writhing around on the floor, amidst strands of my hair, in peals of laughter. Meanwhile I was sitting in front of the mirror crying and laughing at the same time. The left side of my hair was sitting flush to my ear and the right side was still mid way down my back. Apparently the look was so funny my hairdressers could not even continue the task. After a further 20 minutes of laughter, friend again began the chop. This scenario continued for quite some time.

After the final strand had been cut and the tears of laughter (theirs) and the tears of distress (mine) were wiped from our eyes, we assessed the finished product. Sexy twin and I were no longer identical twins, we were now fraternal uni-sex twins. She being the girl, and me the boy! Luckily I am a good sport and within a few short months all was forgiven and I had begun to adjust to my crew-cut.

Last Friday I decided it was time for a change. I was booked in for a colour with Angel and decided that maybe, just maybe, I should be brave and lop the locks! My hair was the longest it has ever been and in some small way seemed reflective of my weight loss journey. Ever since my scarring haircut at the tender age of 13, I had kept my hair relatively short. In College I sported a bob (which Muscle Man called the Bob on a Blob - lucky I love him!). After College my hair was still only touching my shoulders, and for much of the last 6 or so years it had been no longer than this length.

Yes, somehow my long hair signified the changes in me. The changes in my weight. I think unintentionally I had concluded that I couldn't have long hair as I was not skinny enough to pull off the long blonde tresses Sexy Twin did, and has for the majority of our lives. I had unintentionally decided that short hair was suitable for me, and that the "Bob on the Blob" was exactly how I felt.

After much thought, and open discussion with relative strangers on the Essential Baby website, I decided I would probably cut my hair. Sitting in the chair at Angel's salon I decided to risk it. It's only hair right!? A few hours later I left the salon and burst into tears. Angel did a brilliant job. The colour was perfect, the cut sheek, yet all I could see was remnants of my past. The big girl sporting the short hair.

I call these my "Fat goggles". We've all heard of the beer goggles but how many of us acknowledge that we also, at times, look at ourselves through Fat goggles? We see ourselves entirely different to others, or indeed to the simple reality of how we really look. I look in the mirror and see a bulging and intrusive curve where my waist meets my hips. Muscle Man looks at the same spot and sees his sexy wife with a gorgeous curvaceous body. As he'd say - curves in all the right places. I look at my new short do and see glimpses of unhappy times. Times where my cheeks were so big they gave my blow dried and pooffed up hair a run for it's volumising money. Times where I slumped around wearing Muscle Man's giant jumpers and tracksuit pants to hide the bulges. Times where my head was a little blonde bob on a round and 'lumpy' body.

Yes, my fat goggles at times live on. But, as I learn to style and love my hair cut, I am also learning to acknowledge these past feelings and thoughts, ponder them for a minute, feel the emotions that came with them and then gently release them (who am I kidding, they are getting an arse kicking to the curb). After all, I am NO longer a bob on a blob!

*** I should add - the time capsule was burried, well over 10 years ago now. I think houses were built on the spot, so a perfectly good packet of grape Hubba Bubba went to waste!





*** OK, here's a pic since you asked so nicely. It's not as short as it could be - but I had roughly 20cm chopped, if not more :o)

I'm being Published!!

OK, OK, so that is a gross exaggeration, but hey, it's my blog and I'll lie if I want to!

Truth be told though, I received an email today from a lovely women over at Readers Digest, advising me that a comment I emailed in response to an article in the June edition of HEALTH SMART magazine is being printed in their next publication!

Muscle Man's first response was "Cool, do you get paid". My response "No dear, this is not the Mere Male section in the Women's Weekly, but if you want a cash payment for my thoughts, give me some ammunition".

Anyway, the email prompted me to re-read the article and familiarise myself with why I liked it enough to send off one of those sappy "I simply love your magazine" emails. You know the kind, dripping with sweet insincerity and unashamedly pleading for the letter of the month prize - which let's face it - am I the only one who is totally over Avon's Anew line?

Anyway, the article, titled "Scare Tactics" by Jean Kitson was an amusing, honest and witty diatribe (no wonder I loved it). I'll quote some hilarity below.

...I have a health regime of gym three times a week, followed by coffee. Sometimes, (isn't modern life busy) I go straight to coffee, which is where my gym buddy found me wondering what more I could do to improve my health.

She laughed so much she had to bend over and cross her legs.

"Your favourite exercise is sleeping in. You think a balanced diet is if your coffee and chocolate croissant don't slip off your tray. You forget to eat lunch and you always have more than one glass of wine with your dinner, which is often pork spare ribs".

I was gobsmacked!

This mockery came from a women who eats for breakfast homemade organic Bircher muesli with hand-ground organic almonds and chopped organic apple, with a cup of organic echinacea tea! Her colon may have biceps, her naval actually makes contact with her backbone when she smiles, and she looks younger than her teenage daughter, but I don't call her attitude healthy.

...I blame her false sense of superiority on the health-scare industry, specifically the "food frighteners" division.

...I work with an otherwise sane women, who puzzles me. There isn't a food group this women hasn't given up in a panic at some time or other,
and taken up again in a panic when she needed it to stay alive. She's dropped carbs, taken up nothing but carbs, dropped carbs between 3.45am and 3.58am, but only under a full moon after sacrificing a goat.

Her food pyramid consists of a vast monolith of fear with a tiny topping of loathing.

We need a healthy balance in our thinking about diet. ...For all the billions of alarming words written about health, and all the government scare campaigns and witch-hunts and glossy guilt trips, they have collectively DONE BUGGER ALL to improve the health of Australians.

They do have some impact. Many health promotions have led to anxiety, neuroses, anorexia, bulimia, depression, poor self-image, malnutrition, scurvy, binge eating, seven sorts of fatigue syndrome, and mountains of untouched little plastic salads in McDonald's.

...diet has become such an obsession that we can't go out for a meal without weighing up the kilojoules, cholesterol, fat and sugar content, and regarding the menu as a personal insult.

There is even a health promotion day warning us against health promotions. It's called 'International No Diet Day'. You can just hear people in Somalia or Congo saying, "International No Diet Day? What, again?".

Why don't we just lighten up and call it Why Not Pig Out Day? or Eat whatever You Like Day? or simply Binge Day? I'll tell you, it's because the food frighteners don't want us to lighten up, in any sense, or we might realise that there is no goblin lurking in the fridge that we cannot cheerfully, personally, control.

This is only a small extract of this fabulous article. To read more you might have to spend 10 minutes in the newsagents pretending to scan the magazines whilst you read this article (page 74). You could be incidentally squeezing your butt cheeks together at the same time - which I have read is great for toning your derriere (wish I could personally vouch for it's success, but alas, no butt squeezing in newsagents for me - trust me though, I NEED TO!).

I can't really for the life of me recall what my exact response was but I am confident it was along the lines of "Great article, loved it, can I have some Avon Anew please?".

With all sincerity though, I did think it was a great read. We are a society that is driven by the latest "diet", or the need to "diet". Surely, any recognition that we need to relax and focus on a healthy LIFESTYLE is worth a veiled attempt at "Letter of the Month" right? :o)

Disclaimer: Health Smart magazine offers no prize for letter of the month (tight arses).

Incidental Exercise

Before I start this entry I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you for all the amazing and humbling comments which have been left on my blog! I really appreciate it and they mean a great deal to me :)

My cousin (Dad's-sisters-daughter for anyone who cared to know) is a dietitian. Whilst she was completing her 6 week practical experience at the local hospital before her final graduation, she stayed with Muscle Man and I. Neither Jim or Bob were on the scene at this stage so it was a leisurely 6 weeks of 'wine time' after work, where 'cuz' and I would sit back with a plate of cheese, biscuits, olives, salami and a glass of chardy and talk about our days (all whilst barking orders at Muscle Man to "hurry up" with dinner - or the peeled grapes and palm frond - whichever came first!).

I spent hours quizzing her on aspects of her work, healthy eating, nutrition, allergies, and so forth. I think on a sub-conscious level I was hoping that merely talking with her would suck the excess fat right off me and evaporate it into the ether (clutching at straws much).

One of the things she mentioned during wine time, which has always stuck with me was in regards to 'incidental' exercise. Cousin pointed out to me (twas probably a subtle hint) that realistically there are times during each day, for all of us, where we can be incidentally attempting to tone our butt, tighten our abs and shed the fat; all whilst sipping on a latte and chatting on our mobile phones. Sadly though I am not referring to the little electronic nodes you can attach to your tummy ala: Kath & Kim to jiggle your way to a 6 pack (if only!).

At the time I poo-poohed this notion as I wrapped an olive in a slice of salami, covered each side with a piece of cheese before proceeding to add two layers of jatz biscuits to make a sandwich. Through a full mouth I cynically muttered "Yeah right cuz" and poured myself another wine.

We've all heard it right. At Weight Watchers meetings they casually slip it into every talk, A Current Affair and other such reputable shows (ahem) have a segment on it weekly, Dr Phil's diet book refers to it, even midwives suggest it (OK, they are talking about different muscles, but those ones require tone too). Incidental Exercise!

The suggestions to park the car further away, dabble in the garden, kick a ball around with the kids, take the stairs instead of the lift, hop off the bus or train a few stops before your usual drop off, go shopping (hey, I like this one). I realise it sounds trite, but I do believe that for many of us (myself included) this is the place to start.

As much as we all wish we could be naturally athletic and svelte with the ability to rest our entire body weight on the tip of our thumb (or is that just me?) sadly, some just aren't, and possibly never will be. When I first started to battle the bulge I would convince myself that walking 20 metres (and that is exaggerating) out my front door, to check my mail counted as my daily exercise. Talking on the phone, or typing emails counted too!

In all honesty though I did start taking the stairs, and on my many shopping expeditions I would find myself walking to the travellator at the opposite end of the mall in an attempt to get the heart rate past 80 beats per minute (my resting heart rate is about 70).

Even though I post in jest regarding hanging washing on the line and shopping, I am actually serious. We all know that at some stage the 'anti' has to be upped, but when you are starting out, walking from the car to work (rather than having your own Muscle Man drop you at the front entrance as I did), or taking stairs instead of the lift - is upping the anti!

So, for anyone who has not started with the Olympic marathon training (raises hand), and for anyone who is focusing on food choices as step number one (great work), let me encourage you to make some time each day for some incidental exercise. Oh and yes, sex counts!

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On a side note, Muscle Man and I are joining some friends of ours this coming Saturday for a 5 or 10km fun run (haven't decided which as yet) to raise money for some random charity (must be important). Muscle Man has assured me he will pull his weight and push the pram at least half the distance. Usually I get stuck with the cumbersome thing for most of the 'family' jogs we partake together. He has also assured me he will not bleat at me like a ewe to keep up with his pace (which is a laugh as usually I slow up for him). I kindly reminded him his forte is lifting large pieces of aluminium and steel at the gym - not carving up the local footpath - he went silent!

I must admit though, I am super excited we are doing this one together and I am even more excited that after my personal successes in the Mothers Day Classic I am still keen for more rather than taking my bat and ball after my one good inning! :o)

Will let you all know how I/we go after the event (oh, and I'll blog again before then too).

My Rest Day!

I have a confession.........I'm a terrible fat-to-fab-Mamma at heart!

It's hard for me to write this here, it's hard for me to admit that at times, I too struggle with healthy eating and exercise. Hard to admit how much I still love the 'empty' calories in a glass or two of wine. How much I love real buttered popcorn and cream sauce based pasta! How much I enjoy slothing around the house in my pyjamas without a scrap of makeup and a great book in hand. (OK, I lie, I have a scrap of makeup on).

As much as I love the feeling I get after running, or lifting weights, the feelings generally come AFTER or part-way through. Until then it's a damn hard slog. Physically and mentally!

Meanwhile, a superb Merlot can be enjoyed the minute you open the bottle and get that initial waft of fermented grapes tinged with a hint of oaky spice. Or the second you walk into the movie theatre and feel the salty aroma of fresh popcorn smothered in butter and salt, tickling your senses and arousing your taste buds. They require little effort and can in many cases provide instantaneous comfort! Sadly though, they won't keep you fit!

It's funny you know, I used to see myself as a fat girl with a skinny one trapped inside. I knew that deep down, if you waded through the oceans of fat, I had a skinny me just dying to be unleashed. Dying to take my fat arse shopping, and dying to demonstrate self-control when faced with situations where I invariably let loose and would have my cake AND eat it too!

Now days I sometimes feel like I have a fat chick inside dying to let loose and gorge everything within a 5 mile radius! Dying to take a whole week (I lie, try a month - or a lifetime) off exercise, guilt free. Dying to justify being lazy and spending my days lounging around the house as I enjoy all the forbidden foods (and then try and blame it on a snake....or a male).

Tonight I have a confession......I donned my kompressors (hmmm, do I admit this.....compression based Lycra leggings which enable faster recovery after weight lifting and running - geek, I know!). My sweat bands were on, the treadmill was rolled into place and I had shipped Muscle Man, Jim and Bob out the door so I could get a 30 minute run without the interruption of family (more like so they don't see my arse bounce as I run). My iPod was charged, my favourite DVD series (Desperate Housewives) was in the player, and subtitles on. Yes, I was set to go.

Not 3 minutes into my run, I turned the 'mill off, folded it up, packed it away and sent Muscle Man a text message asking him to return as soon as possible with a bottle of Merlot, a movie and something for dessert!

Each time I have talked about "self-talk" I too need to take stock. I must admit that my self-talk these day's, whilst kinder, is also unrelenting when it comes to exercise. I find it quite hard at times to allow myself a 'rest-day', or treats without guilt. I am working on it though (easier said with a delish glass of wine in hand).

So, next time you have one of those days where you (like me) reach for the Merlot instead of the sweat bands, remind yourself it's OK because you'll hit the ground running tomorrow and some treats are simply to good to resist. Especially when you've earned them!

My Light Bulbs (For Nayes)

Over the years, I have had many 'light-bulb' moments.

Seeing photos of myself and realising I had barely fit in the frame of the lens, trying in vain to make my favourite pair of pants fit, seeing my refection in the shop window's at the local mall, having mirrored wardrobes in our bedroom...

Yep, there were many times where I had the "I have to lose weight' bulb go off. Sadly though, thinking it, and acting on it were two different things for me.

I, like so many others, suffered from "I'm gonna" syndrome. All talk and no action. Each new diet would begin with a list of "I'm gonna's". I am going to eat less today. I am going to exercise. I am not going to eat chocolate. I am going to be kinder to myself. I am going to eat more fruit and veg. Yep, so often it was all talk and no action.

So, how did the light switch finally stay on you may ask. You know, it's amazing for me to think about also. At times I really am just so shocked that I finally did succeed. Even when I started my journey to weight loss, better health (and habits) in June 2006, I still didn't actually think I would succeed. I desperately wanted too, but then I can honestly say I had desperately wanted too prior to that moment also, and failed. I simply assumed I would fail again.

I think for me, buying my treadmill was honestly one of the biggest factors in my choice to get serious about battling the bulge. It was such a vivid reminder each day. I'd walk into the lounge room and my treadmill would be staring at me. Calling for me to use it. To grease the belt, to wear tread marks in the mat. To push myself to my limits, and maybe one day wear the motor out from all the kilometres I'd walk/run to get into shape. I couldn't ignore the blatantly obvious fact, I no longer had a valid (were they ever) excuse to not exercise.

When I began making changes in June, I kept a journal. At the time my journal, alongside the treadmill, were my lifelines. They were the two things which reminded me each and every day that I was trying to make a difference, and I owed it to myself (and Muscle Man's bonus - which bought the 'mill) to make this work.

Each day I would write the following headings and record my thoughts/actions/intake in regards to each:

Food

Mood

Challenges

Exercise

Beverage Consumption (yep, I even wrote beverage - not just water - allowing for the vino!).

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Diary entry - Day 1 - 06 June, 2006

Challenges:

Actually getting on the bloody treadmill. I DON'T want to exercise. I want to wake up tomorrow and simply be the skinny girl I know is inside. THIS SUCKS!

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Diary entry - 11 June, 2006

This bites. Not even a week in and I am over it. Would love to drive to Hungry Jack's and chow down a Whopper burger, washed down with a Junior Whopper, and finished off with a caramel sundae. However, I have made smarter food choices and will continue to try too.

No exercise today. Can't be arsed.

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Diary Entry - June 14, 2006

Feeling better today. Walked on the treadmill for an hour yesterday. Still look the size of an Island but I am determined to make it a tiny one. According to 'A La Google' the World's smallest Island is called "Bishop Rock Island". They have standing room only on this Island. Yep, that's my new goal! Standing room only!

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Diary Entry - July 04, 2006

OK, so I got lazy with filling in my food diary :o) I've still been pretty good though (with the exception of cream based cocktails out with the girls on the weekend. Not to mention the drunken stop over at the Pizza van, and the token, must have, 'night out on town' kebab!). I've been exercising pretty much every day and am starting to feel so much better for it. I can already feel the difference in my energy levels.

Have my period at the moment so am feeling rather bloated and ergh! Determined to stay on track though and not resort to my typical monthly comfort binge.

Goals as follows: Sisters wedding. Yummy Mummy. Better pregnancy than Jim, and to be the size of Bishop Island!

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A typical day for me before June 2006, included foods such as hamburgers, chips, milkshakes, anything deep fried, portion overload, and everything with sugar or salt added. These days I eat foods such as the following:

Breakfast:
2 slices multi-grain toast with 2 poached eggs. No butter, pinch of salt.
2 slices multi-grain toast with thin spread of butter and Vegemite

1 cup of high fibre cereal (I try and get the ones with the least added sugar)

1 cup of cooked oats with a sprinkle of brown sugar or chopped banana and honey

Fruit smoothie. 1 Cup low fat milk, 2 tbs yogurt, sprinkle of cinnamon, 1tsp vanilla essence, 2tbs All Bran, 1 tbs honey, 1/2 cup of frozen mixed berries, or a banana.

Morning snack:
Fruit (either fresh or tinned)
Yogurt (I don't even bother with the low fat stuff - give me dairy farmers any day)
Vita wheat biscuits with low fat cheese (any savoury biscuits will do really)
1 serve of popcorn (You can buy the individual microwave portion sizes in packets of 5)
Handful of almonds and dried fruit
Celery or carrot sticks with tomato salsa or homus
Low fat muffin (I generally prefer the savoury option -will post a recipe for a spinach and feta one)
1 slice bread or toast with topping (i.e low fat cheese/jam/lite peanut butter)
Tin of tuna or salmon

* Depending on what I choose from the above list, I may have more than one item listed.

Lunch:
Multi-grain sandwich with meat and salad - ham, turkey, chicken. 1 tsp chutney or low fat mayo, or thin spread of margarine
Tuna or salmon salad (I make the garden salad and then mix tuna or salmon through and drizzle with balsamic or any oil free dressing)
2-3 Ryvita with sliced tomato, ham and low fat cheese
2-3 Ryvita with cream cheese (lite), tomato and cracked pepper
Steamed veggies with tuna or salmon (surprisingly mixing a tin of tuna through steamed peas and corn is really good)
I usually eat a piece of fruit with lunch each day.

Afternoon Snack:

Same as morning. If I am really hungry I will focus on the low GI foods - almonds, brown rice (90 second microwave stuff is fab), multi-grain vita wheat's etc.

Dinner:
Steamed fish and veggies (the birds eye microwave fish are great and taste surprisingly good when mixed through a garden salad or served on top).
Grilled or baked chicken with veggies or salad
Low fat lasagna (instead of cheese in each layer I use low fat ricotta and only cheese on the last layer)
Slow cooked meals like stews, apricot chicken, soups.
Homemade beef burgers with salad on wholemeal/multi-grain bread or rolls
Tuna casseroles
Grilled steak with veggies or salad

After dinner snack:
Weigh watchers chocolate mousse or ice-cream
home made low fat scone (my recipe uses no butter and wholemeal flour)
anything from the morning or afternoon snack list

Throughout the day I drink water, cordial, tea and coffee.

To be honest, when it came to the final 'light-bulb' I just knew I HAD to make it stay on. Younger sisters wedding certainly provided some inspiration I should add. The thought of being the "fat" bridesmaid was enough to scare me into submission.

I highly recommend keeping a journal to record and reflect your food intake, your exercise and the challenges you face. Over time, I'll post more of my reflections. Some make me cringe, some make me want to slap myself upside the head and have a mental hug at the same time, and others, well they simply make me laugh :o)

The trick is making the choice to switch your light bulb on and believing in yourself enough to let it glow!

My Favourite Low -Fat Winter Soup Recipe

OK, so as requested, here is my first recipe.

This is the perfect low-fat, healthy, vegetarian soup to warm up with on those winter days! It's also very filling unlike the 'soup diet' versions!

Red Lentil & Vegie Soup

1 tbs olive oil
1 onion finely chopped
1 carrot finely chopped
1 celery stick finely chopped
1 parsnip chopped (like potato salad chunks)
1 clove garlic crushed
1/2 tsp cumin powder or seeds
2/3 cup red lentils
3 cups stock or water (any stock is fine/as is water)
salt/pepper to taste
1 tbs lemon juice

Throw ALL ingredients in a saucepan (or slow cooker) and leave to simmer for 40-60 minutes! When I make this soup I actually use about 3x's the ingredients listed above :)

Yep, this one is a fav!

Self-talk (For Judi)

We all do it. Some positive, some negative. I spent many years (and still do at times) criticising my self and down-playing my abilities on a regular basis.

To be honest, for me, my success with weight loss and my new active lifestyle, have everything to do with the way I changed my self-talk.

To anyone looking at me, they would have seen what I portrayed. I have always been vivacious, opinionated, LOUD and many times over my life I have appeared to exude confidence. There were also times where I genuinely have felt good about myself. My wedding day, my Yr 10 and 12 graduation formals, and the occasional night out on the town! All events involving some dutch courage I should add!

On the inside however I was constantly aware of my own flaws. My tuck shop arms, a butt that required it's own postcode, and cheeks that were giving a puffer fish a run for their money! I compensated for all these things by wearing big clothes, too much rouge on my cheeks, and long sleeves all the time.

I absolutely despised summer as it was the one season in the year where I felt like I couldn't hide my secret shame. I couldn't get away with wearing a trench coat in 38 degree heat without the consequence of heat stroke. Even though Muscle Man and I do not live near the beach, I'd go to great lengths to ensure we travelled there, or to any other body of water for that matter, as rarely as possible. Up until recently I've sported one thing in common with Nicole Kidman. Deathly pale skin. Yep, it simply never saw the light beneath the layers.

Who remembers that fashion trend a few years back where wearing anything resembling a pirate was tres cool?! You know, puffs and plooms were making their appearance on the catwalk and incidentally in our shops! I LOVED this fashion trend. Pirate shirts were a relative of the Kaftan, only one was momentarily socially acceptable. Well for this fleeting summer, I felt like I belonged. The satin poofs on the front of my latest Pirate Pete ensemble were an excellent guise for the fat rolls and donuts around my mid-section, and the puffy sleeves hid a myriad of flaws in my ever growing arms. Oh, and whilst I am taking a walk down fashion memory lane, how great were happy pants when it came to hiding the happy hips! Yes, good times!

I was chatting to Muscle Man and Sexy Twin about self talk recently, and Muscle Man reminded me that it took me the better half of a year to actually take stock and really acknowledge the extent to which I sabotaged myself. After all, he would know given he was really the only person I ever verbalised my self image issues too.

The poor guy would get home from work and walk in to find his wife with her head stuck in a bucket of ice-cream. Or worse still crumbs of food stashed around my shirt which I'd declare I was saving for later, horrified at the fact my daily binge had been discovered. Muscle Man would then spend the next 20 minutes assuring me I was not a fat slob, I was worthy, I was lovable, I wasn't the size of a blue or humpback whale.

All the while however his words were going in one ear and straight out the other. How could I absorb what he was saying when I didn't even begin to believe the words I heard.
Sadly I realised that it was I who had to change. I had to start telling myself those things Muscle Man was, even if I didn't believe them myself to begin with.

In one of my many attempts at frightening myself thin (if only) I wrote notes to myself (Yep, I did this often) and placed them in obvious places around the house. Sadly however these notes were not the "You can do it kind". No, they were the "You are a failure", "You are so fat", "You don't deserve to be happy or confident". I realise now that this was the exact reason I did FAIL every time. I didn't even have an ounce of belief in my ability. Whatever belief I once possessed had been slowly, but surely and harshly stripped. I was 100% negative towards myself. I had nothing nice to say to Alfie at all.

I wish I could say that the change occurred quickly. I really do. Because then in some ways I'd feel better knowing that the quantity of time we spend berating ourselves might be less. Sadly though it comes down to breaking of a habit. A really bad habit.

So, how did I do it. Well, slowly. It would start with the smallest things. In the morning I would wake up and feel determined to eat well and shake my booty (yeah, well that happened even when I wasn't trying). By midday the negative thoughts would begin to creep in... "You can't do this, you have tried before. You failed then, and you will fail now". It took all my strength to retort with an aggressive backhand "Yes, you can". Within seconds the ball would be back in my court with another attack "eat the chocolate, eat the chocolate, eat the chocolate", again, I'd line the shot up and as fiercely as I wanted to succeed I would respond "No, eat the apple".

I guess in many ways it does come down to that little old word, choice! As much as self criticism had become an intrinsic part of me, I just simply did not want to believe that this was it. I was far too young to continue to allow my past failures to dictate my future successes. I simply had to choose to push myself out of the comfort zone and equip myself with the strength and belief to fight back each and every time I put myself down.

I have to be honest and say that for me, a driving force has also been the fact that as a parent I believe in parenting by example. In that regard I questioned my own ability to provide genuine confidence and healthy self esteem to my children, if I was unable to do the same for myself. Since having Jim and Bob I have become so much more attuned to the importance of teaching these basic, yet long-lasting principles. I had to lead by example. I had to learn to love myself.

On a simplistic level, I can suggest the following:

When you start to say to yourself "I can't" try and program yourself to instantly say "YES, I CAN". You may not believe it at first, but once you SEE that you can, the belief is self motivated. Not only CAN you, but you ARE!

When you start to reach for the food for comfort, find some substitutes that will still allow you the 'comfort' you may be craving. For example, my crutch - chocolate (whose isn't!). Until I had a handle on the emotional eating I replaced REAL chocolate with the fake stuff. Weight Watchers chocolate mousses, carob coated liquorice, a low fat hot chocolate. As much as it sucks to try indulge in something which contains a measly 2 points on the weight watchers points scale, the satisfaction that comes from knowing you chose the lesser of two evils is a self-belief booster in itself.

And my 3rd simplistic thought: Every morning you wake up tell yourself that YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE CAPABLE. I challenge you to stand in front of your mirror and mouth these words to yourself. And each time you do, I want you to know that I also think you are worthy and capable. I really do.

I know the battle feels long but the ending is yours to claim victoriously. You just have to start.