Thinking Healthy

A few posts ago I mentioned that I wanted to focus more on my mental health and start thinking positively about myself, and my body image.  I know that for many of us, learning to love ourselves and feel confident in our skin, warts and all, is more than half the challenge when it comes to weight loss.  I have personally spent the last 12-18 months trying to overcome the challenges of still seeing myself as 'the fat girl', or as I have admitted before, comparing myself to Sexy Twin.  It's been a really tough slog at times and in the spirit of being honest, I can't deny that there have been numerous occasions where I should have re-read my blog posts and heeded my own advice.

In my darkest times I would have to refrain from writing in lipstick on my bedroom mirror "You are FAT".  I was certainly repeating that message in my head on a daily, and at times hourly basis. When I think about that retrospectively and with a currently positive attitude, it breaks my heart.  How could I treat myself like that?

In January this year, Sexy Twin and I embarked on a week of 'boot camp' at the Hunter Valley's  Elysia, Golden Door health retreat.  Whilst there we devoted blood, sweat, tears and almost my first-born (anything to avoid a spin class, right!), to the program.  During one of the 'lighter' sessions, we attended a group meditation class; It was one of the first times I have meditated and I can't deny I walked in with the attitude of 'What's this hippy-hoo-ha'.  I later walked back out with a tear in my eye and the realisation that the way I treat myself, would NEVER EVER be acceptable treatment of my friends, my family, or my children. I was overcome when I subconsciouslyy considered the thought that if I ever have a daughter, I am setting the worst possible example of a healthy mind, body, and soul I possibly could (cue tears).

I can't truthfully say I was 'healed' that day from the demons of self-doubt and dislike. I wasn't, and sadly I am not sure I ever will be 100% free from some of the thoughts and insecurities that plague me at times. Sadly, I don't really have the answers either, I have some insight into what things I need to change, and how I can actively work to manage the thoughts that assail me at times, but I wouldn't for one second claim to be an expert in this field and provide guidance or advice. 

As some may recall, I was seeing a psychologist for a period last year, and whilst that did assist me at the time, I have come to recognise the fact that low self-esteem is a little like a bad habit.  You have to change the behaviour to release the habit. So, with that in mind, and taking baby-steps, I have decided this week's goal is to make a very deliberate decision to wake up each day, look in my mirror and repeat this sentence "I am fit, I am strong, I am healthy".  What's yours?

Do you label your food?

Aside from the obvious food packing labels, I am wondering how many people, aside from myself, label food as either "good" or "bad".

Over the past week in an effort to change my thinking from, "My arse looks like a snow plough", or "The new tyres on the car could come from my waist", I have been trying to recognise how completely destructive this way of thinking is, and change it.  I've also been trying to identify what things trigger my moods and therefore, my 'self-talk'.  Food as I have come to realise, is certainly something that can lead to thoughts and feelings regarding the size of my butt.

I have known for some time (and have perhaps been unwilling to admit), that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Don't get me wrong, I love food; I love how it smells when I am cooking, I love how it tastes when I am eating it, I love mixing it with wine, and trying new flavours and spices in my cooking.  I love how food looks -especially if it contains blue veins or double-cream mould.  I love how food brings my family together, and how weekly we share good laughs, memories, and stories over food.  What I don't love is how I feel after eating certain foods.

If you are anything like me, it is possible you may have an "all" or "nothing" mentality.  For me this means that like so many things in my life, I lack balance when it comes to food.  All to often I have set out to eat one chocolate biscuit and have shamefully stopped somewhere around the fifth.  The thing is, more often that not I only enjoyed the first one or two, and after that I was purely binging out of a sense of guilt, and a lack of control.

This I have decided is possibly because I view certain foods as "good" and "bad".  Good foods I eat guilt free - however, I probably eat larger serves of these foods than I actually need to due to my belief they are good.  Whereas so called bad foods I mostly try and avoid, and perhaps it is for this reason that when I do eat them I tend to binge on them. I have the warped, and rather sad view that "Oh well, Alfie, you have let yourself down now, may as well eat the entire packet and go for broke with the chips aswell".

This week I have decided that in order to get myself back to my 'most comfortable and happy weight' I am going to focus on some realistic, and achievable, goals. With my all-or-nothing way of thinking there tends to come the desire to see significant changes overnight (oh I wish), yet I know logically this is not possible, and is not a healthy way of thinking. 

My goal for this week is to think about food as 'neutral'.  Not good or bad, but simply food.  Granted we all recognise some foods are going to be more nutritionally sound than others, but we also know that the key to a healthy lifestyle is moderation. This week I am aiming to make a few small changes in the way I think about food.

My motto for this week is: 'Yes, I can eat this if I want to, but is it what I really want?" If my answer is yes, than great I am going to eat it an enjoy it.  If however I am just eating it because it's available, I am bored, irritable, emotional - whatever, then perhaps that is the time to stop and think about my actions. 

Till next time, Alfie x

* I recommend getting your hands on a copy of 'If Not Dieting, Then What" By Dr Rick Kausman if, like me, you have these attitudes towards food.

It's Just One Big Merry-go-round!

Weight loss that is. Don't ya think?

I've been on this ride for over 3 years now and some days it feels like I can't for the life of me get off! In part this might have to do with the ideas I had established when I first started losing weight, and changing my lifestyle. I inadvertently thought once the 'goal weight' was reached, and both clothes and scales reflected the size I wished to be, I'd be able to step off the merry-go-round and resume normal programming. I was wrong.

For anyone who has struggled with his or her weight, and like me continues to, I'm beginning to wonder if the sad reality is that we are on this ride for life. Perhaps it is like an addiction to drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol - even when you are no longer riddled with the addiction, you still have to fight the urges to resist the thing/s you know provided comfort, or enjoyment, whilst you were addicted to them. For me this could be food – and well if I am being honest – laziness.

By my own admission I don't want to spend the rest of my life restricting my food intake, watching my calories, and keeping food diaries. I don't want to spend the rest of my life exercising to chase my tail, to burn off last night's takeaway indulgence, or to counteract the empty calories I plan to drink courtesy of my “TGIF”* wine(s).

All that said; I am frustratingly aware that my body, for whatever reason, is encumbered with a slow metabolism. I maintain that the sheer sight of certain fat-addled-foods manage to osmosis themselves onto my waist, butt and thighs without so much as sampling the food. It’s simply not fair!

I’ve considered having blood tests to see if I have a hormonal imbalance which might be rectified with the assistance of a naturopathic tincture or the like, but then I can’t deny the motivation for this path would also be to find a ‘quick fix’. I’ve done the hard yards, I’ve sweated more than my current body weight, I’ve ran more than I walked in the preceding years to my weight loss quest, and I’ve worn through more gym shoes than I ever dreamed possible. I’m done. I’m sick of this! I want to throw in the towel and retire to a groove in my couch; all my favourite foods lined up in front of me, and eat until my hearts content - or my button pops, whichever comes first.

Moments into my fantasy and reality smacks me in the face – I‘m not fitting into my jeans thanks to my aforementioned attempt at abandoning a healthy lifestyle in favour of a reaching broom (or rag on a stick)* and I’m reminded that I DON’T have to be on ‘diet’. I’m no longer in the ‘overweight’ range and my mindset needs to shift from constantly thinking I am exercising and eating to lose weight, to I exercise and eat well to live the best life I can.

If 3 years ago I’d known the real battle was not going to be shedding the kilos, but rather shedding the ingrained mindset that comes from having been overweight, and addicted to food, and laziness, I might have thrown in the towel right then! I think with my renewed vigor for blogging, I should focus on sharing the journey to achieve a healthy mind, to match the healthy body! Till next time,

Alfie ox

* TGIF - "Thank God it's Friday!"
* See pic below - warning, contains graphic content :p