Thinking Healthy

A few posts ago I mentioned that I wanted to focus more on my mental health and start thinking positively about myself, and my body image.  I know that for many of us, learning to love ourselves and feel confident in our skin, warts and all, is more than half the challenge when it comes to weight loss.  I have personally spent the last 12-18 months trying to overcome the challenges of still seeing myself as 'the fat girl', or as I have admitted before, comparing myself to Sexy Twin.  It's been a really tough slog at times and in the spirit of being honest, I can't deny that there have been numerous occasions where I should have re-read my blog posts and heeded my own advice.

In my darkest times I would have to refrain from writing in lipstick on my bedroom mirror "You are FAT".  I was certainly repeating that message in my head on a daily, and at times hourly basis. When I think about that retrospectively and with a currently positive attitude, it breaks my heart.  How could I treat myself like that?

In January this year, Sexy Twin and I embarked on a week of 'boot camp' at the Hunter Valley's  Elysia, Golden Door health retreat.  Whilst there we devoted blood, sweat, tears and almost my first-born (anything to avoid a spin class, right!), to the program.  During one of the 'lighter' sessions, we attended a group meditation class; It was one of the first times I have meditated and I can't deny I walked in with the attitude of 'What's this hippy-hoo-ha'.  I later walked back out with a tear in my eye and the realisation that the way I treat myself, would NEVER EVER be acceptable treatment of my friends, my family, or my children. I was overcome when I subconsciouslyy considered the thought that if I ever have a daughter, I am setting the worst possible example of a healthy mind, body, and soul I possibly could (cue tears).

I can't truthfully say I was 'healed' that day from the demons of self-doubt and dislike. I wasn't, and sadly I am not sure I ever will be 100% free from some of the thoughts and insecurities that plague me at times. Sadly, I don't really have the answers either, I have some insight into what things I need to change, and how I can actively work to manage the thoughts that assail me at times, but I wouldn't for one second claim to be an expert in this field and provide guidance or advice. 

As some may recall, I was seeing a psychologist for a period last year, and whilst that did assist me at the time, I have come to recognise the fact that low self-esteem is a little like a bad habit.  You have to change the behaviour to release the habit. So, with that in mind, and taking baby-steps, I have decided this week's goal is to make a very deliberate decision to wake up each day, look in my mirror and repeat this sentence "I am fit, I am strong, I am healthy".  What's yours?