I want my cake, damnit!

Don't you just hate the age old saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too". Or how about another pearler "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". Yeah right! Obviously the creator of that saying hasn't tried a creme brulee ever in their life. Heck, I've even eaten things more delicious than my skinniest-ever-day (birth) during college. Granted a certain kind of grass might have had something to do with that but none the less the point is these sayings SUCK!

Why am I so adverse to these throw away comments now you may wonder? Well it's simple: tonight is "weigh in day" at my "I'm a food addict anonymous" meeting and I suspect that rather than loosing weight this week, I have actually gained some!

I was feeling a little 'blow-fish' like yesterday but thought it was nothing that a good ol' fart and a good nights sleep couldn't fix. Wrong. Today is no better and I both farted and slept well. Doh!

So why the weight gain this week? Well I suspect the reason is because I wanted, and did eat my cake.

I know. I know. How many times have I said that I need to eat less and move more blah blah blah. The last two weeks I was pretty good at taking my own advice on board and even this week I wasn't too bad, but at some point (Saturday night: bottle of red wine) I let my guard down and indulged my taste buds. Naturally the following morning I required a hot breakfast to soak up the wine (it was either that or a hair of the dog). Oh, and lest we forget the 6-year-long tradition of Desperate Housewives night with Sexy Twin and cheese. Yep, that may not have helped either. Talk about confessions of a food-aholic!

So tonight I am preparing myself for my confessional. Inevitably it will ensue as follows:

"Hi I'm Alfie and I'm addicted to food"

Everyone in the room nods somberly as they say "Hi Alfie"

Me: "This week I ate my weight in bacon, I dreamt my pillow was a giant marshmallow and when I woke up I was eating my sheet. The following day I spent time at my desk dreaming of a custard filled canolli I saw at the Cafe downstairs which then led to thoughts of Italian food. Lashings of pasta, profiteroles and LARGE servings with a Nonna standing over me forcing me to "eat, eat something". Somehow these thoughts then turned to chips - they always do - and I found myself stroking the chip machine and whispering sweet nothings in the display window".

Hmm, I think tonight I'll just use my "No weigh" pass!

1.9 kilos down!

Hooray!!

For some time now I've been whinging about those token last 5 kilos that I'd LOVE to lose but really haven't been prepared to give anything up for and as many of you would know, I'm not really a 'diet-kinda-gal'. By admission I have numerous vices, which let's face it - enhance my quality of life. Wine, chocolate, eating out with friends, did I mention wine (only in EVERY SINGLE blog Alfie).

It was becoming a regular occurrence for Muscle Man I to have a conversation similar to this;

Alfie: "Hey Muscle Man, WHY can't I lose 5 kilos?"

Muscle Man: "Do you think the bottle of wine in one hand and the bag of chips in the other might have anything to do with it?"

Alfie: "HOW DARE YOU, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!"

Poor guy.

Thing is though, he was of course partly right. In the last few months (heck, let's say since the silly season otherwise known as Christmas) I have been eating rich and indulgent foods teamed with a beverage of some kind on a weekly, if not daily basis. I live a fairly social life so it's not uncommon to catch up with girlfriends or Sexy Twin on a regular basis, often accompanied by my old friends Camembert, brie, Havarti, Salami and Semillon Sauvignon. Faithful as these friends may be, they really were doing nothing positive for my hips (my lips on the other hand...).

So, what have I done to lose 1.9 kgs you may ask? Well, given my exercise addiction is alive and well (especially since the newest addition to the family arrived....new treadmill) it really comes down to one thing. Eat less (cheese) move more (butt).

I must admit that I am quite capable of doing this on my own, and have done so in the past, but presently I have an amazingly beautiful baby sister who has recently given birth to my first nephew :) # 1 nephew is only 9 weeks old and sadly Angel (baby sisters pseudo name) is on the 'self-beration band wagon'. So, for moral support (and a touch of motivation) I am accompanying her to our local Weight Watchers meetings.

I must admit I was never really a fan of weight watchers (Muscle Man and I even have a code name for it such was our dislike) but in theory the principle behind it is quite good and as far as affordability goes, well it does cater to the masses here.

So, 2 weeks in and I am 1.9kgs down - GO ME!!!

The only down-side with WW's is that I'm the token 'watcher' who hoards her spare points for Friday night's dates with old friends! Let's face it - some habits never die!

The good ol' before and after pics!

Cause let's face it, we all love em!

So, a close up of the one featured in the magazine for you and also my old trusty Chip and Dale at Disney Land! You can decide who is Chip and who is Dale ;o)

NB: First pic was PRE kids. 2nd was post Jim. 3rd was Muscle Man's and my 6th Wedding anniversary in March this year.

In Print!

Well, it's hit the stands and in print!! I apologise for the quality, I don't have a scanner so a dodgy photo will have to suffice for now :o)

Health Smart Magazine - June/July 2009

Health Smart Challenge - final installment!

Week 5 – Day 35 (Tuesday 24th February 2009):

Had a pretty good week this week. I exercised daily but really did have a better sense of balance. I jogged 4 times and walked twice. I also did some yoga at home using a DVD I purchased. I feel that I am getting better at taming my negative thoughts and even though they still come fast and furious at times, I am learning that it’s important to try and put some perspective on both the thoughts and the situation at hand.

I have found yoga has been a relaxing way to clear the mind. I’m hoping it is not a phase. It makes me feel clear in the head and it’s during these times I feel happy and healthy and better able to rationalise my negative thoughts.

I flipped through some old Health Smart mags today and found that having changed the style of magazine I read has also provided me with some clear mindedness. Previously I have read magazines, which focus primarily on weight loss and are filled with images of bodies I will and could never have. Reading articles about health, vitality and well being are much more soothing to my own soul. Today I re-read an article I had flagged some time back, from the June-July 2008 issue titled “Think Thin” learn the tricks. I’m really trying :o)

Week 6 – Day 40 (Monday 01st March 2009):

I’m getting very close to the end of this challenge and whilst I know it can take 6 weeks to break a habit, I believe this one may take me a little more time. Some days I feel like my goal of learning to really love myself is not attainable in this lifetime. The thought depresses me and rather than seeing it as motivation, or indeed, ammunition to change, I seem to let it beat me. I seem to allow myself to turn the thoughts around in my mind. Feel their negative affects, let them momentarily damage my soul and rob me of the beauty I should be able to see in my unique personality.

Perhaps though I have achieved more than I am giving myself credit for in this time frame, and indeed in the last few years. If I dissect my thoughts, break them down and rationalise them, I can deduce the following:

1: I have lost a significant amount of weight and maintained that loss for some time now.

2: I have changed my lifestyle and no longer lead anything that resembled the sedentary sloth-like one of the past.

3: I have learnt that the key to my success is action. I know that motivation is fleeting, but yet I have choice every day! 9 times out of ten I use that choice for good, and to my advantage.

4: I am setting a good example for my children. I feed my family nutritious and wholesome food and regularly display to them the benefit and need for physical activity.

5: I am TRYING to love myself and that in itself is a greater effort than I’ve made in recent times. I recognise my thoughts and feelings towards my body and subsequent body image are like a roller coaster – up and down from one day (or moment) to the next. I also recognise the real goal lies in learning to change that and taking the steps to do so – no matter how long the journey at hand.

Synopsis – Thursday 19th March

It’s been a few weeks since I ceased my journaling (no matter how infrequent) for the Health Smart Challenge. That said I felt the need to provide a final statement into my initial goals and the outcomes of these.

When I began the challenge I hadn’t really identified (despite suggestions to do so) the exact way in which I would go about reaching my goals. I looked at the entry form sent to me and initially I had thought I would aim to lose 5 kilos (my eternal quest). But then after thinking about it a little more, I decided that for me weight loss is actually only a very small piece of this journey that I have been on for what feels at times like forever.

I guess the thing is I know I CAN lose weight. I have proven that much to myself. What I feel like I haven’t been able to get a full handle on, is the self-esteem I have attached to my body image. Being a twin does play a bigger role in this than I have previously acknowledged, but once I did it almost became an overwhelming reality. Sexy Twin is thinner and always has been. Why then do I continue to put so much weight in my image by comparison to hers? I have taken away from this exercise the desire to let go of these issues and thoughts. We are different people. Period.

I’ve learnt a few more things over the past few weeks.

1: Body image is almost shamefully important to me. I feel shallow simply writing that – but there it is – in black and white. It’s not so much important to me in a ‘defines who other people are’ kind of way, but more that I have somehow allowed it to define me. I have unwittingly tied so much of myself and my self-belief, into the external aspects of who I am. I realise now I have done myself a great disservice in doing so. However, I have also learnt from this 6 week challenge that simply writing the positive things about myself (such as I did in week 3 and 6) demonstrated to me the many things about myself, which need not be connected to the number on the bathroom scales or the tag size of my slightly snug jeans.

2: I am not a failure if I do not run every day. Even as I write those words I want to believe them ALL the time, not just right now, yesterday and possibly tomorrow – but every day! I know from week 4 that when I placed words of affirmation on my bedroom mirror – it helped. I need to do this with my mindset daily. I need to replace the negative, self-criticising thoughts, with positive affirming thoughts that boost my self-esteem daily.

Until undertaking this challenge I had not placed anything affirming on my walls or mirrors. In fact in High school I did the opposite and wrote messages to myself telling myself I was fat and to stop eating in an effort to get thin. An action I can now see has had long-term negative affects on me. Never again will I record such negative and untrue thoughts. Instead I am going to continue to write affirming statements and read them with belief!

3: I am seeing a psychologist. After making the first phone call and being told I would need to wait for her annual leave to end, I thought that was the first and final step. However, in light of my changes and the recognition I WANT to change as well as need to, I phoned back and had my first of possibly many appointments in early March. I will continue down this path and feel that even if this is the most significant step this 6-week challenge presented to me, it was a worthwhile and strong step for me, a serial doubter, to take. I feel as though I have empowered myself, given myself permission to really deal with the negative thoughts and equip myself with further tools to love myself and change my mindset – for good!

4: I want to last but certainly not least, remind myself and also demonstrate the changes I HAVE made in terms of my weight loss. I must confess that whenever I look back on my ‘before & after’ pictures I wonder what on earth is wrong with me that I fail to see what I really do know others can – I have changed and if I continue on this path of mental well being and emotional self belief, In time I will really see what others do also. I am beautiful inside and out and I want to exude the confidence of someone who knows her contribution to the world around her is incredibly worthwhile and far from based on the size of my jeans! To me that is what real health is about, smart health. Embodying mind, spirit and body!

Taking the challenge part 3:

Week 2 - Day 8 - 14 (Wednesday 28th January – Tuesday 3rd February 2009):

This week was not a good week for me :o( My period arrived and even as I write the following, I regret the thoughts forming in my mind – I hate myself during this time of the month. My hormones just rage. I feel bloated. I suffer from dry, acne prone skin and basically I am an ogre towards Muscle Man. The poor guy can almost sense when my period is on it’s way purely based on how I start to treat myself and in turn, him. I changed my clothes this morning a hundred times (3rd Feb), typically settling on the very first outfit I donned – what a bloody waste of time and energy all the in-between outfits were. Not to mention I now have a bedroom resembling a clothing clearance sale in Myers.

When I decided to start this challenge, I made a decision to myself that I wouldn’t lie. I decided that I would record the good, the bad and the ugly. This week was downright ugly. I must confess I spent a good 10 minutes in the shower yesterday crying over the stretch marks on my stomach, the wobble in my bottom when I run, the complete lack of tone in my upper thighs and perhaps most embarrassing, the lack of left breast (yep, just the left) as a result of nursing two children. After turning the water off and letting the last tear wash down the drain I made a decision. It’s time to see a psychologist. I simply cannot go through the rest of my life with this weight around my neck (or as I perceive it, my waist).

Week 3 - Day 16 (Thursday 5th February 2009)

Jogged today, ate really well. Wrote some affirming thoughts in my food journal, as follows;

Things I like about me:

1: My brain. I am a smart, articulate woman.
2: My ability to provide love and security to my children.
3: My commitment to my marriage
4: My loyalty. My friends and family love me for who I am and can always trust I’ll be there for them.
5: My body’s ability to nurture my children. From conception to birth and beyond.
6: My strength – I constantly underestimate my own strength. Both physical and emotional. I need to reflect on it more often.
7: My fitness – I AM fit! I CAN run, I CAN lift weights, I CAN reach goals!


Week 3 – Day 20 (Monday 9th February 2009):

Phoned to make an appointment with a psychologist today. She is on leave until the end of February. Simply making the phone call made me feel strong. Like I’d taken the first step in the right direction. A step for me. A real step towards long-term change.

I’ve also been keeping a food journal for the past week or so, I figure at very least it can serve as a reminder that I do make smart choices and should applaud myself for these choices. Choices I AM in control of. My food journal has also served as a diary also and I’ve taken to occasionally recording my thoughts, feelings and actions in addition to here.

Week 4 – Day 25 (Saturday 14th February 2009):

I’ve decided to place words of affirmation around my house – predominantly in the places I possibly need them the most – MIRRORS (oh, and by the fridge/pantry). So far so good!! I have found myself repeating these ‘mantras’ at work. I’m also reminding myself of my all time favourite mantra “Why put off till tomorrow, that which I can do today”.

Week 4 Day 28 (Tuesday 17th February 2009):

Sexy Twin came over today and looked like a million bucks! Damn her! Muscle Man sensing what I was obviously thinking told me after she had left that I look healthy and that health is more important than whether the latest fashion (i.e. skinny jeans) suits my figure. I made a concerted effort to listen to his words and remind myself of the journey I have travelled and the changes I have made.

I wish I didn’t feel this way about Sexy Twin. We share such a special bond and deep down I know that she doesn’t look at me and think the thoughts I do of myself. I also need to think about the impact I am having on our relationship. I am almost certain that she can sense my envy of her and yet, all it does is serve to put a wall between us.

My next challenge is to learn to value our differences, the things that make us unique. I need to let go of my perception that socially we are expected to be one in the same. I need to love her for who she is exactly as I expect her to feel towards me.

......