Self-talk (For Judi)

We all do it. Some positive, some negative. I spent many years (and still do at times) criticising my self and down-playing my abilities on a regular basis.

To be honest, for me, my success with weight loss and my new active lifestyle, have everything to do with the way I changed my self-talk.

To anyone looking at me, they would have seen what I portrayed. I have always been vivacious, opinionated, LOUD and many times over my life I have appeared to exude confidence. There were also times where I genuinely have felt good about myself. My wedding day, my Yr 10 and 12 graduation formals, and the occasional night out on the town! All events involving some dutch courage I should add!

On the inside however I was constantly aware of my own flaws. My tuck shop arms, a butt that required it's own postcode, and cheeks that were giving a puffer fish a run for their money! I compensated for all these things by wearing big clothes, too much rouge on my cheeks, and long sleeves all the time.

I absolutely despised summer as it was the one season in the year where I felt like I couldn't hide my secret shame. I couldn't get away with wearing a trench coat in 38 degree heat without the consequence of heat stroke. Even though Muscle Man and I do not live near the beach, I'd go to great lengths to ensure we travelled there, or to any other body of water for that matter, as rarely as possible. Up until recently I've sported one thing in common with Nicole Kidman. Deathly pale skin. Yep, it simply never saw the light beneath the layers.

Who remembers that fashion trend a few years back where wearing anything resembling a pirate was tres cool?! You know, puffs and plooms were making their appearance on the catwalk and incidentally in our shops! I LOVED this fashion trend. Pirate shirts were a relative of the Kaftan, only one was momentarily socially acceptable. Well for this fleeting summer, I felt like I belonged. The satin poofs on the front of my latest Pirate Pete ensemble were an excellent guise for the fat rolls and donuts around my mid-section, and the puffy sleeves hid a myriad of flaws in my ever growing arms. Oh, and whilst I am taking a walk down fashion memory lane, how great were happy pants when it came to hiding the happy hips! Yes, good times!

I was chatting to Muscle Man and Sexy Twin about self talk recently, and Muscle Man reminded me that it took me the better half of a year to actually take stock and really acknowledge the extent to which I sabotaged myself. After all, he would know given he was really the only person I ever verbalised my self image issues too.

The poor guy would get home from work and walk in to find his wife with her head stuck in a bucket of ice-cream. Or worse still crumbs of food stashed around my shirt which I'd declare I was saving for later, horrified at the fact my daily binge had been discovered. Muscle Man would then spend the next 20 minutes assuring me I was not a fat slob, I was worthy, I was lovable, I wasn't the size of a blue or humpback whale.

All the while however his words were going in one ear and straight out the other. How could I absorb what he was saying when I didn't even begin to believe the words I heard.
Sadly I realised that it was I who had to change. I had to start telling myself those things Muscle Man was, even if I didn't believe them myself to begin with.

In one of my many attempts at frightening myself thin (if only) I wrote notes to myself (Yep, I did this often) and placed them in obvious places around the house. Sadly however these notes were not the "You can do it kind". No, they were the "You are a failure", "You are so fat", "You don't deserve to be happy or confident". I realise now that this was the exact reason I did FAIL every time. I didn't even have an ounce of belief in my ability. Whatever belief I once possessed had been slowly, but surely and harshly stripped. I was 100% negative towards myself. I had nothing nice to say to Alfie at all.

I wish I could say that the change occurred quickly. I really do. Because then in some ways I'd feel better knowing that the quantity of time we spend berating ourselves might be less. Sadly though it comes down to breaking of a habit. A really bad habit.

So, how did I do it. Well, slowly. It would start with the smallest things. In the morning I would wake up and feel determined to eat well and shake my booty (yeah, well that happened even when I wasn't trying). By midday the negative thoughts would begin to creep in... "You can't do this, you have tried before. You failed then, and you will fail now". It took all my strength to retort with an aggressive backhand "Yes, you can". Within seconds the ball would be back in my court with another attack "eat the chocolate, eat the chocolate, eat the chocolate", again, I'd line the shot up and as fiercely as I wanted to succeed I would respond "No, eat the apple".

I guess in many ways it does come down to that little old word, choice! As much as self criticism had become an intrinsic part of me, I just simply did not want to believe that this was it. I was far too young to continue to allow my past failures to dictate my future successes. I simply had to choose to push myself out of the comfort zone and equip myself with the strength and belief to fight back each and every time I put myself down.

I have to be honest and say that for me, a driving force has also been the fact that as a parent I believe in parenting by example. In that regard I questioned my own ability to provide genuine confidence and healthy self esteem to my children, if I was unable to do the same for myself. Since having Jim and Bob I have become so much more attuned to the importance of teaching these basic, yet long-lasting principles. I had to lead by example. I had to learn to love myself.

On a simplistic level, I can suggest the following:

When you start to say to yourself "I can't" try and program yourself to instantly say "YES, I CAN". You may not believe it at first, but once you SEE that you can, the belief is self motivated. Not only CAN you, but you ARE!

When you start to reach for the food for comfort, find some substitutes that will still allow you the 'comfort' you may be craving. For example, my crutch - chocolate (whose isn't!). Until I had a handle on the emotional eating I replaced REAL chocolate with the fake stuff. Weight Watchers chocolate mousses, carob coated liquorice, a low fat hot chocolate. As much as it sucks to try indulge in something which contains a measly 2 points on the weight watchers points scale, the satisfaction that comes from knowing you chose the lesser of two evils is a self-belief booster in itself.

And my 3rd simplistic thought: Every morning you wake up tell yourself that YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE CAPABLE. I challenge you to stand in front of your mirror and mouth these words to yourself. And each time you do, I want you to know that I also think you are worthy and capable. I really do.

I know the battle feels long but the ending is yours to claim victoriously. You just have to start.