From Fat to Fabulous!: A Tale of Two Dresses

You may have to bear with me being a little 'blog happy' of late. I really should have started journelling a long time ago, but alas like many "should have/could have/would haves", I did not. I am now playing catch up with my thoughts.

You may recall from an earlier entry that one of the catalysts to loosing weight was my younger sisters wedding. Prior to this event I had mostly always been unhappy with my weight and had tried and failed many, many times to change the situation.

I had believed it was a simple matter of clicking my fingers and changing my eating and exercise habits, without realising that MY habits in regard to diet and fitness ran much, much deeper than merely the food I consumed or undertaking to walk around the clothesline twenty times a day. Upon reflection, and allowing myself to be honest, I now know that my habits in this regard were entwined with everything that surrounded my being overweight in the first instance. I blamed failed relationships on my weight, I blamed poor grades at school, I blamed my weight and my emotional state on being such a complete an utter failure, and essentially of feeling unworthy of change, and with all this blame came more weight gain.

Being an out-going person I suspect that many people did not realise the gravity by which I was affected with my physical appearance. During her School years, my younger sister was hospitalised with an eating disorder and in many ways it felt like her actions were setting the precedent for how to gain attention if unhappy with ones appearance. Yet on the other hand, her actions were also, unbeknown to her, taking such a toll on my parents, that I couldn't possibly have added to the stress and emotion being felt within our family during this time. In reality though I was an extremely unhappy person who loathed herself enormously and desperately wished I could just be 'skinny' like everyone else.

As a result of my self-loathing and low self-esteem I continually settled for less. Time and time again I settled for boyfriends and relationships where I often came out second-best and terribly scathed. I didn't believe I was worthy of more than this. I even believed myself to be a failure because I couldn't self-harm (which of course seemed to be the way to "relieve" ones sense of pain, a release if you will ). I recall so vividly one day in early high school crying in the bathroom at my parents house about the fact that I couldn't sustain a self-pledged attempt at anorexia. I believed quite simply that I was a failure. I believed I failed at everything.

Despite a social awareness, society continues to place enormous pressure on women to fit the seemingly acceptable physical mould. I recognise that we currently have an obesity issue in this great country, and indeed many others, but I also recognise the fact that first and foremost to a size 10 bikini should come the education regarding healthy lifestyles within our nation. Rather than focusing on the latest slinky fashions, we need to be boosting our children's self esteem, informing them of healthy choices and realising our individual potential to be healthy human beings with enormous potential to live full rich lives.

Not quite two years ago when my younger sister asked me to be the Matron of Honour at her wedding. I was extremely honoured. However, in the same breath as being honoured I was petrified. All my high school memories came flooding back. Being the "fat" girl at school dances. Standing besides my beautiful friends in their mini skirts and crop tops whilst I was wearing a pair of baggy jeans and an Adidas jumper (oh so tragic). Spending summers on the School oval wearing three times the quantity of clothing as my peers in an effort to disguise the bulges, all the while sweltering and looking like a fool. Sitting beside the pool at swimming carnivals, rather than in it, for fear of being seen in swimmers. Yes, the fear of being the fat bridesmaid was overwhelming and I was being suffocated by images of me in a caftan ensemble tripping down the aisle and baring my hefty bottom to all and sundry. SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE!

Cue October 29, 2006 - In all honesty I still felt like a walking bunch (not individual stalk) of asparagus, but by this point I had well and truly began the journey of self belief and personal encouragement I had been so lacking. I had lost roughly 13 or so kilos by the wedding and whilst I can't honestly say I looked sexy, I felt sexy because I knew my own potential, both that moment and for the future.

Now, cue March 15, 2008 - I was again privileged to be Matron of honour in a wedding. Sexy twins wedding. Despite Bob being 4.5 months old and my lovely baby bulge being slightly visible, for the first formal event in my life (with the exception of my own wedding) I felt outwardly sexy! I was wearing a dress, and a rather fitted one at that, and felt great. I do genuinely realise the value of inner beauty, and I absolutely believe inner beauty far outweighs the outwardly body we posses, but for someone who has wished to attain outer foxiness in a dress for as long as she can remember, it was a proud day!