Body Image and Perception

Body Image - are we ever truly happy with ours? I know I have moments where I think "yep, I look OK today" but then I also scrutinise every little detail and wonder if I will ever truly be happy with my body. Will I ever feel 'finished' in terms of trying to change my shape, or lose more weight.

I'd be completely lying if I said that I am at my goal (or ideal) weight right now. I am not. I am still on the quest to shed a few kilos, and to be honest I am not sure if I'll ever reach a point where I think that's it, I am done. I guess the reality of this is also the fact that there is no such thing as done.

Sure, I can be done with weighing myself, or obsessing over clothing size, and weight lost; but from now on I understand that fitness and health has to be an every day motion. Like cleaning my teeth or getting dressed.

I have moments where I despair that if I don't eat less and move more every day I won't maintain my weight loss. I have moments where I curse the fact I was not born with an impeccable gene structure which naturally leaves me as a svelte size 10, irrespective of what I eat or whether I ever intentionally work up a sweat. It's hard. It's really hard knowing that this journey, this weight loss and fitness road that I have been on, will never really end.

Most days I am OK with this. Some however, like today, I find it very depressing thinking that I may still have thousands of kilometres to walk and run in my life time just to stake a claim at longevity and health! Today quite frankly, I can't be arsed. Today I want to throw in the towel and say "no more". Today I want to pick up a family sized block of chocolate and wallow in laziness and wasted calories.

To me a diet was something you went on for a period of time, and then it ended. I'd never thought that it really was a lifestyle change. A change involving every choice you make regarding your health, each and every day. Eat well and exercise for the rest of my life after loosing weight - yeah, no thanks, I'll pass.

Last night before getting into bed, I put on a satin slip (no this is not about to get X rated). I have a few items of clothing which I guess you could call "sexy". I've worn them very rarely, if ever. After all, I've never really thought I was sexy and why wear something you don't feel.

To me, sexy meant having perky boobs, a stomach which you could crack an egg on, slender thighs, curves in all the right places and a pair of stiletto heels (it's the pole dancing I tell you, it's corrupted me). I posses none of the above. As I pulled the slip over my head and stood in front of the mirror, I fleetingly felt sexy. Sadly, within moments of this brief feeling, I managed to put the 'sexy me' straight back in her place and point out my obvious flaws. Love handles leaving little bulges in the satin, complete lack of perky rack, a bubble bum, and no stilettos. Not to mention I have not shaved my legs for a few days so have a rather lovely winter coat on the grow. Poor Muscle Man has had to remind me that a winter coat is all very well and good with the exception of the fact it's not actually winter in bed.

As I hurriedly climbed under the blankets and away from my self-critique in front of the mirror, I wondered if every women does what I had just done. Do we all self criticise and focus so blatantly on the things WE don't like without seeing the things which are beautiful?

The next thought I pondered was about perception. I often wonder if other people perceive my physical appearance the way I do, or if they see something completely different. Do they see the flaws I see, or worse still, do they see flaws I am yet too? How does one learn to love these personal flaws, or at best accept them? How does one trust that the other qualities we posses outweigh any blemishes we see?

I guess on some level this comes down to the 'self-talk' we give ourselves. Mine was programed for so long to only note my faults. My self talk was all destructive. Over many years I had completely convinced myself I was nothing but an overweight failure. My weight and my own feelings regarding body image seeped into every aspect of my life. Every day I was literally setting myself up to fail, I knew no other way.

It has to be said that I am a very good actor. I had lead roles in two High school drama productions, I knew how to paint a smile on my face, how to confidently speak in front of a group of people, how to laugh at decent punch lines, how to "play" happy. All in all, I knew how to falsely portray myself as entirely self confident and happy person. The problem was when you stripped down to the core of me I was nothing but an unhappy, image obsessed teenager who loathed her self image and felt repulsed by her naked, or clothed body. These feelings continued into my adult life and I carried them with me everywhere I went. They were the monkey on my back and the devil in my ear.

One of the first things that had to change before I could succeed in loosing weight, was the way I spoke to myself. I had to instantly dismiss hurtful, negative thoughts, with positive, empowering ones. I had to learn how to break the habit of self destruction and begin the path to self belief. They say it takes 6 weeks to break a habit. It's taken me roughly 100 weeks and I am still learning.

I think I need a new motto. My motto has been "I CAN" and now I genuinely do believe and know I can because, put simply, I do. I think it's time to graduate to a new motto. A motto about self image. I need to change the self talk from "look at those flaws" to "embrace those curves" or something equally as corny and cliched.

I know I have a little way to go yet. I know I might never look in the mirror and think I am worth ravaging, I may only feel sexy in moments of fleeting glory, and I may have days at a time where I hate jogging, hate weights, hate walking. Such is life, but I am also aware that I will have days where I will continue to choose the options that will benefit my health and my mind. So, on that note, rather than indulging in my cadbury's chocolate I am going to drag my bubble butt for a jog around the lake. I think I'll drag Muscle Man along also. A little healthy competition's a good thing right?!

Before I go, ask yourself some questions. Do you talk down to yourself? Do you BELIEVE you are worthy of change, and worthy of more than negativity? If so, what can your new motto be?

Feel free to share! Besides, I am in the market for a new one also ;o)