Love is Blind

So they say. Perhaps though this is partially true.

After yesterday's blog, Sexy Twin sent me an email which said; "Its crazy how skinny you are now, or how I never thought you were that big". Well, first and foremost HOORAY to being called "skinny" (I'll pay you later Twin) and secondly, how did she not see that I was so much bigger?

Sexy Twin is not the only person I know to have made these observations. Mum has also commented that I was "never really that big to start with". Compared to what, an elephant? 20 kilos is 20 kilos right. It's more weight than my 3 yr old and 7 month old combined. It's more weight than my enormous twin jogging pram (true story). It's even believe it or not, more weight than Muscle Man's right bicep, which I might add, is rather bloody large (he'll pay me later).

I recall at a Weight Watchers meeting once being shown a one kilogram replica of a lump of fat! Disgusting. Well, if I piled up 20 of those lump's we'd have one HUGE pyramid of fake lard! Yep, 20 kilos is not to be sneezed at. Even 5 kilos is a fantastic achievement. Realistically for SO many people even the slightest amount of weight gain can be enough to alter their whole perception of themselves and shatter ones self confidence. Those feelings are not mutually exclusive to those in the 'obese' category.

Back to Mum and Sexy Twin. I've thought a lot about it, and I completely understand why they could not see me the way I was. The way I looked outside genuinely did not matter to the ones I loved. They saw the daughter who loved her job and was good at it, the sister who was good at organising things and loved hosting parties, the friend who was loyal and "motherly". What they didn't see was the shy, self-loathing, embarrassed, unworthy me that I saw. The me that I kept hidden away.

I realised as I was thinking about this, the fact the people who loved me couldn't see my obvious weight flaw said so much about them, and even more about me. It said that they valued the traits about me which were not connected to a size 10 or 12 pair of jeans. The traits that were not applied in the form of makeup to pull the focus away from my body, the traits that were from the heart. The REAL qualities of a human being. Meanwhile, when I looked at myself I saw none of these things, or if I did, it was a way to replace the true self consciousness I had over my size. Put simply, I did not love myself. I saw EVERY flaw rather than a few. I saw the flaws rather than seeing any of the wonderful things about me. The unique things that make me ME.

How can someone genuinely change their lives, or change their habits if they don't believe, or feel, worthy of the change? Why would you even bother? This was how I felt for so many years.

Just before Angel's (younger sisters code name remember) wedding I actually had another potential "light-bulb" moment involving Muscle Man's cousin. Myself, Sexy Twin and our friend, JP (who is said cousin's partner) were having a few drinks when somehow the discussion of weight loss and body size came up. I honestly can't recall the exact details or In's and outs of that conversation but I will never forget that for some reason I asked Muscle Man's cousin if he thought I needed to loose weight. He said "YES".

At first I was so indignant. I was so angry that he had answered truthfully. Why the heck hadn't he lied? Didn't he know when we women say we want the truth we mean the truth we WANT to hear. It was the first time someone had said I needed to loose weight and I couldn't shake it off. I'd been called names before, but previously it was easier to put it down to credentials. Random strangers, or vicious girls from school spreading salacious gossip was easier to chalk down to plain bitchiness. This on the other hand, was simply an honest answer to a question I had asked.

Naturally I came home and fell into a heap in the enveloping arms of my Muscle Man. He soothed me and said it was just not true (see, he knew what I wanted to hear!). Deep down though, I couldn't shake the knowing feeling that it was. It was true. I needed to loose weight before it engulfed any more of my life.

In hindsight I realised that I actually appreciated the honesty and the risk that Muscle Man's cousin took by telling me he did think I could lose some weight. It hurt at the time because even though I knew I needed too, I had also somehow convinced myself that the problem was mostly mine. I thought perhaps I saw myself worse than others did, and hidden inside my gigantic jumpers, jackets, scarves and high heels (you know, the illusion of height and slenderness) that no one really could see how big I was. In hindsight he did me a favour.

I honestly can say that I now love myself. I have gained self-respect and a genuine feeling of self-worth. In many ways I loathe that it came about from weight loss. Social engineering if you will. However, I would prefer to think that rather than finding self love because I am now attached to a size 12 pair of jeans, it's because I value myself enough to fight for me. Enough to make me get off my butt and keep fit. Enough to aim for longevity and fitness with my kids. I love myself enough to know that I feel better without the added stress of a 20 kilo pyramid of lard attached to my butt, thighs and belly.

Before anything else; before you put the joggers on and go for a walk, before you cut up the veggies for tonight's stir fry, before you sign up to your local Weight Watchers to see your own pyramid of fat, ask yourself - DO I LOVE ME? If the answer is no, then please let me tell you, it's time to start.