Now, surely most women will know what I am referring to. Those wonderful suck-me-in suits that claim to take inches of your waist, bolster your butt, and tighten your thighs. Well, I own one. Actually I lie, I own about 5!
The first 4 were a vast array of attempts to battle the bulge, or at least disguise it, without having to lift a finger. I have a 3/4 suit that stretches from middle of the thigh to below the bosom. I have a skirt style gut sucker-inera (yeah, no idea how to spell that), I have a corset style inclusive of lovely sharp boning that's guaranteed to stab you if you so much as let your breath out, and I have fat-sucking shorts. All of these were honestly in my mind the simplest way to lose weight. Heck, why attend a Weight Watchers meeting when you can just slip into one of these suits and voila, you're 10kgs smaller!
Shortly after Bob was born I was up feeding him at some unsightly hour in the morning when I happened upon the Danoz direct channel. Now, I will admit to being suckered into home shopping before. OK, numerous times. Let's see, there was the Principle Secret moisturiser - guaranteed to remove or prevent wrinkles, there was Pro-Active formula (or as I now call it paint stripper), there was the Windsor Pilate's DVD's (hmm, still quite like these) and an assortment of other change your life, face and figure products.
A few months ago, sitting in bed feeding my newborn and running very low on sleep I was deliriously tired and yet giddy at the sight of an advert for the Slim N Lift Supreme! The before and after pictures were amazing, never mind the fact that the before shots closely matched Mel Gibson's latest drunken mug shot. As I watched this commercial through half closed, sleepy eyes, I decided I HAD to have one. Ebay is a great friend of mine. I woke up first thing the very next morning, found one on Ebay and was ringing my hands with my satisfying purchase within a matter of minutes.
After a few short days my package arrived. I opened the parcel to find what looked like a giant stocking. I don't mean an exciting Christmas stocking which you know comes filled with toys. No, sadly I am talking pantyhose. I sceptically held up my guaranteed gut buster and decided it looked about the same size as one of Jim's socks. They've sent me the wrong size I immediately quipped. Never the less, I decided before jumping on Ebay and registering my disgust I would try the supreme on. After several unattractive moments of wrestling, grappling, using a pulley and a crane, I had the suit on. I also could not breath. I can see how anything that pushes all the excess fat to your chin can make your body appear smaller. My body did indeed look smaller but meanwhile I now boasted two heads, one made entirely from my love handles. It was such an effort getting the fat suit on I despaired at the thought of removing it, and decided instead to leave it on. By lunch time I felt like a Victorian dame about to faint from the tightness of my corset.
Some months later the supreme is now a little stretched (or maybe I've shrunk). Either way it no longer requires a royal commission to simply get the thing on, and in most respects body wise, I look the same with it on or off (with the exception of being a giant fishnet with it on). It only makes an appearance at special occasions and generally for the sole purpose of reminding me to suck my belly in and engage my core muscles (now who sounds like a commercial). Oh, OK I will also admit that I am yet to have my "mummy tuck" so I still have that delightful flap of skin that could be gently folded into the top of my underwear for safe keeping. Muscle Man groans when ever the suit is pulled from the draw and with a sigh he says "hello body condom".
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The Pole - I've had a few people ask so thought I should provide an update. As yet I have not purchased the pole. I can't say for certain the purchase of the pole is off the cards, but in the interim I will keep practising on my lovely hills hoist in the backyard.
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