An Old Feeling

Being on this side of the fence (i.e. the "I've lost weight side") it is sometimes easy to forget how unhappy and emotional I was on the 'I think I am the size of a house side'. However, realistically I have not forgotten those feelings because so far they still continue to outweigh the number of years I've felt 'great' for.

I was overweight for a number of years. Sure, I was never the "biggest" girl in School and I was still perhaps on the smaller side of "obese", but let's be honest, when you personally know that you have weight to loose it doesn't really help that compared to some you may be smaller (or at least to me it didn't). I guess also, I need to reiterate that to me it was always hard because I was unintentionally measuring myself against an identical twin sister who was slim.

In High school I had an embarrassing crush on a guy in my English class. He was also one of my best friends neighbours. I thought he was a dream. At the time, my friend and I shared a letter writing book (hey, it was cool back then) and almost every entry to her was a letter from me professing my love for said guy. You know the kind;

"Dear Diary (friend), today he did the cutest thing. He tied his shoelace. Oh my gosh, I've never seen anyone loop a rabbit through a hole the way he did. I can't help it, I am in love. Meet me at the lockers so I can show you the pencil sharpening's he threw away (and I collected) in Science class.

Signed, Mrs Alfie *insert his surname here*"

I have a vivid memory of being on year 8 camp, my girlfriend and I were going through a tragic Celine Dion phase. We had our Walkman linked between the two of us, walking the length of the beach, one ear phone each; listening to the heartfelt strains of Celine's Heart going on. Every time I heard the chorus I'd be dreaming of myself and this guy holding hands, him declaring his undying 13 year old love to me. Tragic Bliss!

One night on camp a group of my friends decided to play "truth and dare". We wrangled said guy's 'group' into joining us also. The dares started off innocent enough. Eat sand, run a lap of the beach, do the chicken dance, streak across the beach (hey, I said they STARTED innocent). Then we got onto the 'truth' segment of the night. Again it started innocent; when was your first kiss, favourite teacher, biggest secret. Then one of the girls asked the boys to declare who out of the girls present they were either attracted to, or would choose as their girlfriend (guaranteed to offend someone in hindsight).

As I sat there around the fire on the middle of the beach, I recall so vividly my 13 year old heart beating with nerves and then tearing as the guy I was so smitten with announced he liked Sexy Twin. The theme continued. Almost every single guy in the circle also declaring she was their pick. It took all my resolve not to cry right there.

Upon reflection it was nothing to do with the fact Sexy Twin had admirers, or that she was cat nip to 13 year old, prepubescent boys. No, it was just the fact that at that stage I had never encountered a situation where she and I were not equal. Where we were not 'sharing' the boyfriend, or chasing the same one away. Until then I'd never really understood that anyone might see us as anything other than one in the same, looks included.

Tragically, that moment was one of my very first "I'm fat" moments. You know, I don't even know if I was 'overweight' then. I know I couldn't wear the same midriff top or cut off jeans she did, but until then I am not sure if I had consciously put it down to size. I don't know if it was a natural defense mechanism to protect my aching young heart, or if simply being female I had to put my rejection down to something, and that fit the bill. Either way, I think that moment heralded one of the first "I am unworthy" moments in my I am "FAT" life.

I am not sure if I should confess that at the same camp, despite my 13 year old aching heart, I did go home with a boyfriend. It's quite embarrassing, and yet at the same time, shameful, to admit I ended up dating (for the next 3 years) the one guy in that circle of friends who said he fancied me. Either way, the fact has never escaped me that from the age of 13, I settled for second best and thought I was worthy of even less.

Stay tuned.....