"I've Just had a Baby"

So, how long is that comment plausible for I wonder? For me, after the birth of Jim I was still using it as my justification for eating copious amounts of food and sitting on my big bazoo well into his second year of life. It was my tried and tested excuse for everything. "I can't possibly walk with you today Muscle Man, I've just had a baby" I'd be saying this as Jim would be running past, singing his ABC's and competently peeling his own banana. Yep, very much a baby, right!

It was really the same as when I was pregnant and I was eating for two. One donut for me, one for the baby, one Big Mac for me, one for the baby. Of course during these 'eating for two' pregnancy binges I was never thinking about the fact that only ONE of us would have to do the work to burn it off and get back to having 2 thighs instead of 4!

In all honesty though, both pregnancy and post partum are very difficult times for many women (myself included) when it comes to accepting the changes our body is, and has, made. Even without the help of shares in McDonald's I am confident that some of the changes which have taken place on my body would have still occurred regardless of what I did or did not eat. I am convinced I must have had a pre-disposition to stretch marks, and sadly I am not just talking one or two little red marks on the side of my hips. No, I am talking about the angry, fiery red ones that were so big in some places they now look something like an accordion of skin (gross!).

I also had the very deceptive problem of my boobs growing so big that I could have given half the Playboy Bunny's a run for their money (only in the boob department I might add). That is until I had a baby literally suck the life and size right out of them within a few short months. Now the only person I could give a run for their money in the chest area is Muscle Man. Even sadder, it's a close call with his muscular pectoral area! There were many times when Jim would ask for "booby" and I'd want to palm him off to his Dad!

After Jim's birth I felt very despondent about my appearance. Despite having been a big girl before I fell pregnant with him, I can't say I had ever experienced the problem of excess skin. Suddenly I was dealing with a new baby, shrinking boobs, a stretched jelly belly and an unwanted flap of skin. I wanted to pack that excess skin up with a little red handkerchief tied to a stick and a pop tent and tell it to find a new place of residence, oh and while it was at it, return my disappearing boobs thank you very much!

It's odd when you think about how the human mind works. Here I was feeling so depressed about my appearance and yet attempting to quash the sentiment with anything deep fried and loaded with sugar. And I thought I was not an emotional eater! Pfft!

I stupidly assumed all through Jim's pregnancy that breastfeeding would finally be my ticket out of the grey and bleak land of fattydom (yes, I've made up a word). My own Mum was one of these women who left the hospital with a new baby, smaller then when she fell pregnant. Especially after the birth of Sexy Twin and I (cows...the lactating variety of course). Yes, breastfeeding was my free ride to battling the bulge. How wrong I was.

There are a few myths I have learnt from parenting. You know, the things well meaning people tell you about losing weight after the birth of a baby to make you feel better about your Jupiter sized buttock's. Examples;

Myth: Breastfeeding will melt the weight right off you.

Truth: Not if you are me it won't. In fact what breastfeeding will do is leave you ravishing with hunger so you eat everything in sight and then gain more weight then you had at 9 months pregnant! Even after Bob's birth and eating very sensibly, breastfeeding did NOT melt the weight right off.

Myth: When you are a parent, you are so busy chasing kids around and cleaning up after them that you lose weight, or simply never gain it.

Truth: OK, perhaps this would be true if I wasn't chasing the kids and the ice-cream truck at the same time. And perhaps if I DID clean up, and chase around after my hurricane Jim I'd burn a few calories. In any event I actually still am not convinced that this is a method of weight loss that would meet a Dr's approval.

Myth: Waking through the night to feed a baby will burn more calories as you are feeding more.

Truth: Founder of this myth, you're an idiot.

Jokes aside though, I do want to share my thoughts on weight loss after pregnancy.

I completely understand how frustrating it is seeing your previously glowing (and bursting) belly looking like a deflated balloon. I understand how incredibly annoying it is being in-between sizes with clothes. After Jim I didn't fit back into my "pre-pregnancy" clothes for a very long time. I was still trying to wear elastic waist pants 14 months after he was born (basically I lived in pyjamas). I also understand all too well that the pressure and personal expectations we place on ourselves can be unrealistic and emotionally draining.

It certainly does not help that we live in a society that splashes pictures of celebrities walking out of hospital, new baby in arm, bikini on body, nanny in tow. Usually the headline is some sensationalist crap announcing "Sue Smith's amazing after baby body and how she did it".
Quite simple really, she had her plastic surgeon, make-up artist, bikini designer, Yoga instructor and shot of wheat grass all on stand by for that grand exit. How can a mere mortal like me possibly stand a chance!

Yes, the saying "it took 9 months to put the weight on and 9 to take it off" is true. We mothers need to be kind to ourselves. We are our own worst critics about a myriad of other issues and it's probably high time we put the emphasis back on praising the female body for it's amazing ability to sustain life. Take those first few months easy. Fatten up your breast milk with a Tim Tam and then put your beautiful baby in a pram and go for a walk (and make sure you add at least one hill).

As for that flap of skin - sadly only half of it took my offer of a pop tent and moved on. The other half is now Jim's favourite spot to get a decent bear hug with Mum.